Creating a Thoughtful Approach to Finding a Life Partner
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Understanding the Importance of Knowing What You Want
In my early twenties, my mother often advised my sisters and me, saying, “You need to be clear about what you seek in a partner. If I were in your shoes, I would compile a list of ten qualities to avoid ending up with just anyone.” She expressed this with such earnestness that it was hard to ignore. However, I found it quite difficult to take her seriously. I questioned how anyone could be so definitive about love and relationships.
Consequently, I didn’t heed her advice because it seemed overly simplistic. After hearing her suggest this countless times, I finally attempted to create a list. Yet, within a week, I had lost it completely.
A Shift in Perspective
Fast forward to my thirties, when I met a friend who proposed a different strategy: identifying your deal breakers and being willing to walk away when you encounter them in potential partners. This seemed much more practical than my mother’s lists.
I often found myself making excuses to avoid dating, but if someone I was attracted to asked me out, I would go. If our time together was enjoyable, I would agree to another date. I was not bound by a list; sometimes, I simply sought enjoyment in the moment. Other times, I relied on my instincts.
Reflecting on Past Relationships
After ending my first serious relationship, which lasted through medical school, I realized that my subsequent connections lacked that same level of dedication, especially when considering the duration of those relationships. It wasn’t until my late thirties that I began to take my search for a partner more seriously, yearning for a functional family soon. Up to that point, most of my relationships hadn’t come close to fulfilling that desire.
This led me to reconsider my mother’s advice about lists. Instead, I opted to create a mental framework for how I wanted to navigate relationships with men. I had noticed that many guys would take advantage of any leeway provided. If you offered them a little, they would often take a lot more.
Setting Boundaries
It became evident that I needed to establish clear boundaries. One effective tactic was to clearly communicate my expectations from the start. This approach minimized ambiguity and the games that often lead to heartbreak for someone involved.
After experimenting with this method in a couple of relationships, I eventually met a man who I would later marry. Although I only knew a few things about him initially, my intuition strongly resonated with him. I communicated my desires upfront, and to my delight, he was receptive. At last, I found someone who shared my perspective. Just last month, we celebrated our first wedding anniversary.
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