Chapter 1: A Thanksgiving Revelation

It was Thanksgiving, and I was eleven years old. My mom was the hostess that year, and our home was bustling with family. During dinner, I excused myself to use the restroom, but I ended up taking longer than expected. (I've dealt with severe IBS-related constipation since childhood.) When I returned, I looked a bit dazed as I absentmindedly poked at my meal.

"You were gone for a while. Everything alright?" Mom asked quietly. I shrugged.

"Yeah, I think so…" I replied, still puzzled.

"What's bothering you?" she pressed.

"Well, I can't help but wonder — when did we have corn?" I inquired.

It took a moment, but soon laughter erupted around the table as everyone realized what I was implying. Corn is made of cellulose, an indigestible plant fiber. I had inadvertently led my family to picture poop with yellow corn kernels mixed in — while they were eating! My mother later had a discussion with me about table manners, my grandma playfully swatted my hand, and my uncle gave me a knowing wink. To this day, I still wonder when we actually served that corn.

This video, "A Day in the Life of a Poop Scooper!" humorously explores the daily experiences of those who deal with poop in a professional capacity. It offers a light-hearted look at a job most people don't consider.

Chapter 2: Understanding Your Stools

When it comes to poop, it’s a subject that generally remains unspoken. Yet, discussing it—especially with your physician—can be quite enlightening. The condition of your stool is an important indicator of your digestive health. A quick glance into the toilet after you've done your business can provide insights.

Unless, of course, you experience a "ghost poop," where your stool vanishes without a trace, leaving you questioning if you even went at all.

Stool varies in many ways, and there’s even a medical guide known as the Bristol Stool Chart, which categorizes seven types of stool.

For instance, if you’re not accustomed to opiates and take them post-surgery, you might encounter #1: rabbit pellets. Overindulged in that carne asada burrito while drinking? Say hello to #7: the infamous beer/spice poop.

Has anyone ever gone over a week and then produced a #4 stool that felt like a massive anaconda? Did it circle the bowl? Did it take multiple flushes? Did you wonder how such a thing could emerge from you?

Asking for a friend.

Stools should sink in the toilet water after dropping. If they float, this could indicate high fiber content or gas, which might stem from what you've eaten or suggest malabsorption—a condition where nutrients aren’t properly absorbed.

If you find that your stool is greasy or light-colored, consult your gastroenterologist, as these characteristics could signal various health issues, including infections or chronic pancreatitis.

The video "Professional Dog Poop Scooper | BIZARRE BIZ" presents a quirky look into the world of professional poop scoopers, shedding light on the unexpected aspects of this unique career.

Chapter 3: The Colors of Your Poop

Typically, poop is brown due to bile and bilirubin, which transform during digestion. If you consume brightly colored foods, the color of your stool may reflect your diet.

If your poop appears red, black, yellow, or pale, it’s crucial to seek medical attention without delay. Red could indicate internal bleeding, so don’t take chances.

Heavy consumption of Guinness (which contains iron) can lead to dark, hard stools, as I learned at twenty-two. Similarly, taking excessive Pepto-Bismol can also darken your stool. So, if your poop seems to change colors, consider what you’ve eaten in the last few days before panicking.

Chapter 4: The Toilet Habits of Men vs. Women

Have you ever noticed how long your partner can linger in the bathroom? Why do men seem to take ages?

"I was just pinching a loaf," they might say, or something equally amusing. But let’s be real; they aren't actually occupied the entire time.

Research reveals that 86% of men read while on the toilet, compared to only 27% of women. On average, men spend about fourteen minutes in the bathroom, while women take only eight.

For me, eight minutes is pushing it. I’m not one to linger; I dislike the lingering smell of what I had for dinner a week prior.

The average bowel movement lasts merely twelve seconds, aided by mucus for smooth passage. Interestingly, men have an easier time due to more rigid abdominal muscles, facilitating the process. Don’t be fooled when they claim to have been busy; they’re often just scrolling through their phones, allowing time for skid marks to form.

Women have a different experience; our colons hang lower, and we contend with additional internal organs, making the process slightly more complex.

It's a common myth I playfully perpetuated in my youth: that women can’t fart because of our anatomy. Surprisingly, about half of the men I told believed me. I, of course, am a delicate, fartless being.

These days, it’s not uncommon to see people using their phones while on the throne. Studies show one in six cell phones is contaminated with fecal matter. When you flush, microscopic particles can spray into the air, landing on surfaces, including your phone.

Consider this before putting your phone near your mouth, and always flush with the lid down.

Pro Tip: If you’re unfamiliar with courtesy flushing, it’s a technique where you flush as soon as you finish, followed by using toilet paper or wipes, and then flush again. This method helps minimize unpleasant odors and prevents clogs.

Chapter 5: The History of Toilet Paper

Toilet paper became widely used only in the late 1930s, and its adoption was slow due to embarrassment over purchasing it. Before then, people resorted to leaves, moss, animal fur, corncobs, and even sticks.

The ancient Romans had a sponge on a stick, shared among household members—everyone used the same one. Imagine the hygiene issues that must have caused!

In 1928, someone humorously stated: "No sir, you shall not be walking outside to the privy. In this house, you shall have your shit inside our special room — right into a bowl of water. Here’s the guest corncob. We also have communal wet rags."

Chapter 6: The Universality of Pooping

Despite being one of the most unappealing acts, pooping is essential for our health. It’s a reminder of our animalistic nature, yet it also provides insights into our well-being.

Isn’t it fascinating that the taco you ate transforms into waste, signaling your body that it’s time for a release?

Always remember to courtesy flush.